


To All The Jedi I've Loved Before

by NobodyBreaksMyHeart



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before Fusion, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Consensual Underage Sex, Crushes, Don't worry this really is going to be a Reylo HEA, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Enemies, Gingerflower, Growing Up Together, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Inspired by PS I Still Love You, Inspired by To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Kylo Ren is an Alter Ego Dun Dun DUUUUNNN, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Rey, Pining, Rey & Rose Tico Are Best Friends, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey is Not a Palpatine, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Rey/Ben Solo, Star Wars References, Stormpilot, Tags Are Hard, Teen Angst, Teen Ben Solo, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, The Author Regrets Nothing, Trigger Warning: Mention of a teen pregnancy and miscarriage but not Reylo, Tropes, Trust the author!, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Yes I said Zorii and Ben but they aren't endgame obviously so don't @ me please!, Young Ben Solo, Young Rey, reylo prompts, teen Rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:35:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22661092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobodyBreaksMyHeart/pseuds/NobodyBreaksMyHeart
Summary: Rey Johnson was good at a lot of things. Cooking/baking. Piano. Singing (mostly in the shower and hopefully without anyone listening). Running five miles a day for no other reason than to clear her head. Writing daily in a diary. And burying her feelings inside love letters. Five letters to be exact. Each one carefully folded and placed into envelopes with the object of her affection’s name in calligraphy across the front. All of these kept along with her diary in a vintage hatbox hidden at the top of her closet. Her most prized possessions. Never meant to be seen by anyone else. /Especially/ not by him.Envelope #5. Ben Solo.~*~*~*~*~*~*Loosely* based on To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, PS I Still Love You and this prompt from a long time ago via Reylo_Prompts on Curious Cat: “Ben finds a diary on the floor of the bus. Since the driver is no help, he decides to make it his personal mission to retrieve it to its anonymous owner using the vague information written in it. Especially since he seems to be a main topic in the journal’s entries.”
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Zorii Bliss/Ben Solo
Comments: 22
Kudos: 41
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. Current emotions get the best of me

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah. I know. Why the hell am I posting ANOTHER fanfic when I've got 4 others that desperately need my attention? Turns out I'm 100% /that/ bitch. =P 
> 
> I’ve been wanting to write some kind of trope filled fluffy/angsty modern high school/teenage Reylo story and decided it was time. 
> 
> In honor of Valentine's Day 2020 bitches <3

_"I'm calling it out when it feels just right_  
_There is no fear breaking down on me_  
_Constant questions of what we know_  
_Holding the piece that gets the best of me."_  
  
_You & I by Twinsmith_

* * *

Rey stood off to the side watching Rose say good bye to her older sister Paige who was embarking on the next chapter of life. She recently graduated from Takodana Prep and had been accepted to the prestigious Coruscant University which was a sixteen hour nonstop flight away from the city of Canto Bight where they lived. Their parents – George and Etta Tico – were in the gift shop buying things to help keep Paige entertained on her journey. As their next door neighbor, Rey had grown very close to the Tico sisters. It was Rose who coaxed Rey out of her introverted shell and Paige, who was two years older, took Rey under her wing as though she were another little sister. They were thick as thieves. Rey was sad that Paige was leaving, but thankful she still had Rose.  
  
Before she met the Ticos or her foster turned adoptive father Rian Johnson, Rey lived twenty miles outside of Canto Bight in the dusty suburb of Jakku. At ten months old, she was left on the doorstep of the rundown Niima Orphanage in a cardboard box with nothing but a diaper. The orphanage owner, Unkar Plutt, was a cruel sort of man who had no qualms about overworking and underfeeding those who were put in his care. Eventually, though not soon enough, local law enforcement and community leaders from Canto Bight got involved and immediately placed all the children into foster homes. (Rey was three when the raid happened.) Plutt was arrested for multiple reasons including but not limited to child endangerment, counterfeiting money, illegal weapons dealing and (Rey always shuddered thinking about this) being part of a human trafficking ring.  
  
Rey was six when she was finally placed into Rian’s care after being in three other foster homes that were similar to her situation at Niima Orphanage. Rian was a widower, whose wife died in a tragic car accident two years before Rey came into his life. They’d never been able to have children of their own so became foster parents instead. But none of their foster children stayed for long and none resulted in an adoption. When Rey was brought to Rian with no known family history, he knew he couldn't let her go. He had connections with some higher ups that helped speed the adoption process along and within two months Rey was officially a Johnson. It took her a while to get used to someone actually caring about her and her wellbeing, but was thankful everyday to finally and permanently be in a stable environment where she was truly loved and cared for.   
  
“Your turn,” Rose broke into her thoughts as she walked over wiping tears away. Then she went to find her parents.  
  
Rey immediately ran into Paige’s open arms.  
  
“I’m gonna miss you Sting Rey,” Paige hugged her closely. “You really are the best little sister. Just don’t tell Rose I told you that.”  
  
“Your secret is safe with me,” Rey smiled.  
  
“Please keep Finn, Poe and Rose out of trouble.”  
  
“That might be a challenge, but I’m willing to accept,” Rey laughed a little. “Did you get a chance to say good bye to Todd this morning?”  
  
Paige looked down at the ground and shook her head. “No. I…I didn’t want… I can’t. Not after… I just think it’s better to leave it like it is.” Rey nodded with a slight frown and Paige continued. “Promise me this year you’ll try to branch out a little more?”  
  
“What do you mean?” Rey asked.  
  
“I mean…stop hiding behind your friends. You don’t have to be that shy little girl anymore. You’re a junior now. An upperclassmen. No longer at the bottom of the food chain.”  
  
“What if I like being a shy little girl who hides behind her much more outgoing and popular friends?”  
  
“You could try dating.”  
  
“No,” Rey shook her head.  
  
“I’m not saying you need to find a steady boyfriend. I’m just saying you should be more social. Go bowling, catch a movie or have a picnic under the stars with someone who isn’t Poe, Finn or Rose.”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
Paige let out a frustrated sigh. “Well if you absolutely insist on continuing to be romantically unattached –“  
  
“I do.”  
  
“…then at least try out for the spring talent show.”  
  
“Not gonna happen.”  
  
“Rey. You’ve got an amazing voice and unrivaled piano skills. It’s really unfair you’ve kept all that to yourself for so long.”  
  
“Paige –“  
  
“Consider it at least.”  
  
It was Rey's turn to sigh. “I will... _consider_ it.” But she had already decided that it was _never_ going to happen.  
  
“That’s all I ask,” Paige smiled, as her family walked over holding two bags full of books and magazines. Her eyes widened. “Good thing I’ve still got room in my carry on.”  
  
“They literally bought you everything,” said Rose with an annoyed tone.  
  
“Well we just couldn’t decide what to get,” Etta explained, as Paige dug through one bag.  
  
“Yeah we got you all of the magazines,” George added. “Some pens, a couple highlighters. There’s also some crossword puzzles and Sudoku. I know you like that stuff. It should help pass the time. And if you get stuck, you should just…keep at it and eventually…”  
  
His voice broke. Like it always did. First he would ramble then his emotions would get the best of him. Paige managed to shove everything into the small rolling suitcase that served as her carry on. Then she held her arms as wide as they could go.  
  
“Come here,” she said.  
  
They all crowded in for one last hug as an announcement came over the loud speaker.  
  
“Alright, that’s my cue,” Paige untangled herself. “I love you all. I will message as soon as I land. And Rose stop looking at me like that. Thanksgiving will be here before you know it.”  
  
“Not soon enough,” Rose groaned. “Did you have to pick one of the furthest schools away from us?”  
  
“I think this is a great opportunity for her,” said Etta. "And don't forget, we're going to Coruscant over Christmas Break."  
  
Paige gave them another round of hugs and kisses before going through security.  
  
“Do you think she’ll turn around and wave one last time?” Rey asked already knowing the answer.  
  
“No,” Rose shook her head. “That’s not Paige.”  
  
Sure enough, once she made it through security, Paige disappeared from view without so much as a glance over her shoulder. But that truly was Paige Tico. She didn’t believe in lingering on the past. She believed in ripping off bandaids quickly and making exits without hesitation. Why prolong the pain? She applied this in all aspects of her life. Including her relationships. Well…relationship. Non plural.  
  
Todd McNair. Paige’s first and only boyfriend. (So far.) They had been a thing for as long as Rey could remember. Everyone envied their relationship and assumed they would get married after they graduated. Instead, everything fell apart at Paige’s going away party a couple nights prior. Nobody is exactly sure what went wrong, but there was an uncomfortable tension in the air during dinner. Afterwards, Paige and Todd went outside. Rose would later tell Rey that they had fought. One of the only fights they’d ever had and it was apparently a pretty big one. It involved a lot of yelling and crying. And it ended with Todd speeding off down the street and side swiping a car that was parked by the curb. Paige had then locked herself in her room crying more than she ever had before.

* * *

“Have you talked to Todd?” Rey broke the silence. Rose shook her head. “He’s been pretty quiet on social media.”  
  
It had been one week since Paige left. She’d sent a group text as soon as her plane landed in Coruscant. Then the next day, she’d sent them pictures of her town home. Then she got so busy with opening week activities, that she hadn’t contacted anyone again. Her Instagram feed, however, was flooded with pictures of her new friends and the bright lights of Coruscant which made Canto Bight seem a lot less thrilling. Rey couldn’t wait to graduate in two years. She no longer shared her friends’ aspirations of attending a prestigious university. Her plans after high school involved taking some time to travel the world. Alone. No type of schooling involved.   
  
“He took the break up pretty hard,” said Rose, as she scrolled down her Instagram feed. “His last post is from two weeks ago. And of course it’s of him and Paige kissing complete with a sappy ass quote about love. He’s also still got her tagged in his bio with a heart. She doesn't follow him anymore, but he still follows her. Poor guy.”  
  
“Whatever happened between them must’ve been big. I just don’t understand how or why nobody saw their break up coming.”  
  
Rose shrugged. “She’s a lot like you, you know.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“She’s so good at concealing things. Hiding. Avoiding.”  
  
“I’m not hiding anything.”  
  
Rose smiled knowingly. “The hat box at the top of your closet behind your baseball caps says otherwise.”  
  
“You’ve been snooping in my closet?”  
  
“Yeah when I was looking for Finn’s oversized Basketball hoodie. The one you stole from him freshman year that he obviously forgot about,” Rose said. “Paige told me to make sure you socialized more this year.”  
  
“She told me to keep you, Poe and Finn out of trouble.”  
  
Rose snorted. “Like that’s going to happen.”  
  
They both laughed a little as Rey scrolled down Instagram, pausing on one particular photo.  
  
“Are you ever going to tell him?” Rose asked quietly.  
  
“Tell who what?” Rey's finger was hovering over the heart symbol.  
  
Rose leaned over and pointed at Rey’s phone screen. “Are you ever going to tell _him_ how you feel?”  
  
Rey’s cheeks turned red as she quickly closed out of the app. “No. What would be the point?”  
  
“You’ve liked him since the day you met. You know when you called him Dumbo and he pushed you in the swimming pool then called you Sting Rey? That’s been what? Eleven years now?” Rey said nothing and looked down. Rose smiled a little. “Rey. We’re juniors. One year closer to graduating. We should make the most of it. YOLO am I right? No more hiding behind diaries and love letters that you’re never going to send. Seriously. Stop suffering in silence already!”  
  
“I’m not suffering! And besides, he’s changed too much and he’s still dating Zorii. They’ve been together so long I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they get married. And let's not forget that pregnancy scare last year. And anyway, I’m perfectly content and confident enough to not need a high school boyfriend.”  
  
“I know, I know it’s just… Poe and Finn have each other. I have Armie. Kind of. It's a work in progress but I really feel like this is our year. And you -"  
  
“I don’t mind being a fifth wheel. I’m perfectly content not being paired off.”  
  
Rose slowly shook her head with a smile. “One of these days, it won’t be enough to just write out your feelings. You’re going to have to actually act on them.”  
  
“No,” Rey shook her head. “I’ve got other more important things in my life to focus on and worry about. The last thing I want or need is the letters or the contents of my diary getting out. I know you don't understand why I like being a wallflower, but I do. It's how I've always have been. And I’m okay with that.”  
  
Rose laid down and sighed. “Seriously Rey. What is it about pursuing a relationship that scares you?”  
  
“Well…it makes you more vulnerable. I've had my heart broken and been rejected so much in my life already, I just don't think I could handle anymore.”  
  
Rose couldn't argue with that. The Ticos knew of Rey's life before she came into Rian's care. The abuse she endured for six years. Rey was seeing a therapist at least once every two weeks to help her cope with the nightmares created from bad memories. Rose reached out and gently touched Rey's hand. Rey smiled, tears brimming her eyes.   
  
"I'm sorry, Rey," said Rose sincerely. "I didn't mean to -"  
  
"It's fine, Rose," Rey hugged her. "Really it's okay. It's been so long now. I think I'm finally getting to a point where it doesn't hurt as much. But as I said - I'm trying to keep my heart intact which means no romance for me in the near future."  
  
“At least promise me that you’ll try to be more outgoing.”  
  
“Alright. Fine. I promise to try and be more social.”  
  
“Spring talent show?”  
  
“Rose –“  
  
“Fine.”

* * *

Rey removed the lid from the hatbox at the top of her closet and carefully emptied it’s contents. First was the diary. A fuzzy pink monstrosity. It was ridiculous really but Rey cherished it. It was the eleventh in a series of diaries that she had. The first of the series was green. Rose had given her a diary every year for her birthday since she’d met them eleven years ago. Her previous ten diaries were collecting dust on the top shelf of her bookcase.  
  
In her early entries, she doodled or practiced her handwriting. As she got older, she started talking more about her day. The food she ate. The invigorating runs she started going on to clear her head. The people she encountered. Friends. Neighbors. School. But around the fifth grade, her entries became more centered on one subject in particular. Boys. And that’s how it started. The love letters. There were five of them. Each carefully folded up and tucked into an envelope. Each one of them written as an escape for her emotions. A way to put her overwhelming feelings into words so she wouldn’t say them out loud.  
  
Envelope #1. Todd McNair. Rey’s first big crush. He was the first boy she’d come into contact with after being placed under Rian Johnson’s care and meeting the Tico family next door. But because he belonged to Paige, he was off limits. As time went on, he became an older brother to Rey and she was fine with that. His letter was two pages front and back.  
  
Envelope #2. Finn Calrissian. One of Rose and Rey’s best boy friends. (Read boy who was a friend) They grew up together and for a short moment in middle school, Rey had a crush on him. This letter was four pages front and back. Written after the seventh grade Valentine’s Dance. It ended when he told them he only had eyes for their other best boy friend Poe Dameron.  
  
Envelope #3. Kenny From the Pool. No last name. No address. Rey literally never talked to him despite Rose’s encouragement that she desperately needed a summer fling. He was a lifeguard at the community pool the summer between eighth and ninth grade. Rose dubbed him the “Summer Hottie With the Body”. This letter was only half a page long. Not much to say when you didn’t actually know someone.  
  
Envelope #4. Cassian Andor. Her first high school era crush as a wide eyed freshman. Everyone’s crush really. He was the high school basketball coach and sole reason Rose and Rey dragged themselves to Finn’s basketball games. _“A student/teacher relationship is so cliché but it’s also so damn hot”_ Rose had commented. But he was in a long term relationship with the cheerleading coach Jyn Erso. His letter was only one page front and back.  
  
And finally…  
  
The last envelope.  
  
_HIS_ envelope.  
  
Envelope #5.  
  
Benjamin Douglas Solo.  
  
Rey had taken the most time writing this one. It was her longest love letter at thirteen pages front and back. Unlike the others, his letter was made up of diary style entries she would add at random times throughout the years. And if she was being honest with herself…she wasn’t done adding to it. She started writing it in the sixth grade when she first realized she had a massive crush on him. Her friends claimed that she had a crush on him from the moment they met when she was six and he was seven which she continues to deny. But in one excerpt of his letter, she admits that perhaps her friends were right.

* * *

Rian, his late wife and the Ticos grew up with Ben’s parents: Han, a world renowned real estate mogul, and Leia Organa-Solo, a state senator. The first thing Rey noticed about Ben was his ears. His dark hair was short enough at the time to accentuate just how big they were. In a moment of foot-in-mouth style tackiness, she straight up told him he reminded her of Dumbo which obviously was a mistake. His response was to push her into the swimming pool and call her “Sting Rey”. Despite their first meeting being less than cordial, Rey and Ben still developed a friendship.   
  
Growing up, Ben was a lanky child who wore thick rimmed glasses and had crooked teeth that eventually called for braces. He started to grow his hair out a little more each year in an effort to cover his ears, but it never did quite cover the red tint that only seemed to happen when Rey was around. His nose seemed too big for his angular face and his skin was dusted in moles and beauty marks that he hated but Rey found fascinating. He was shy and aloof, but Rey and her friends still welcomed him into their circle, forcing him little by little to come out of his shell. Soon, they were having regularly scheduled playdates on weekends and even sometimes after school.  
  
Most of their playdates were spent out at Solo Manor which was located in a heavily wooded area across a thirty mile stretch of meadow from the neighborhood where the Ticos and Johnsons lived. It was a sprawling estate surrounded by a large wall complete with gates and twenty four hour security. The road to get there was narrow and winding, a blink and miss it kind of thing. It wasn’t on any maps or available on any type of navigation system. Those who were in the know just knew where it was and how to get out there.  
  
They all went to the same school as their parents. (The same school Paige and Todd graduated from.) Takodana Preparatory Academy. Home of the Jedi Knights. It was a prestigious private school that went all the way from PreSchool through the twelfth grade. It was comprised of three buildings: one for elementary, one for middle school and the biggest for the high school. As innocent, bright eyed elementary aged children, they had dreams of staying close friends through high school graduation. And beyond that, they had plans to attend Coruscant or Theed University together, making memories traveling the world in their free time. They were going to be in each other's weddings and be godparents to each other's children. None of them really understood that people grow apart and things do change.  
  
And change they did.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what I originally had written would've made this chapter way too long so I decided to split it up. Next chapter I should have posted within the week and it will have more about Ben in it. Thanks for reading! <3 
> 
> I picture the Solo Estate like Nick's grandmother's estate in Crazy Rich Asians. (I also picture Ben driving the Audi RX8 shown in this scene except his is black) 
> 
> [Here's a YouTube Clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkHR67ZM9HQ&feature=emb_logo)
> 
> [The House](https://assets.mubi.com/images/notebook/post_images/26432/images-w1400.png?1534427601%3Cbr%20/%3E)   
>  [The Car](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DbmEcC4U0AAz13e.jpg)


	2. We were so young, we had no idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is starting off with a flashback followed by love letter excerpts to Ben. (I will be jumping through the years pretty quickly) Rey is gonna sound like a whiny angsty emotional preteen/teen in “love” but that’s because she is lol. Next chapter we’ll be back to present day interactions.
> 
> For age reference:  
> \- In the flashback, Rey is 12 and Ben is 13  
> \- The excerpts are spread out from the time Rey is 12 up until she is 16
> 
> Yeah so...you know how I said this story is /loosely/ based on To All the Boys I've Loved Before and PS I Still Love You? I did mean loosely. It will be lighthearted and have the same basic concept of love letter/diary getting found leading to fake dating leading to something else but there will be a lot more angst and drama than in the movies. This chapter will give you a better feel for how I'm going to write this, but please rest assured Reylo is endgame no matter what.

_“So I close my eyes and go back in time_   
_I can see you smiling, you're so alive_   
_I close my eyes and go back in time_   
_You were just a child then, and so was I_   
_We were so young, we had no fear_   
_We were so young, we had no idea_   
_That nothing lasts forever.”_   
  
_Souvenirs by Switchfoot_

* * *

The summer before sixth grade, Rey attended her first boy/girl party. Todd’s parents were out of town for the weekend so he decided to host a get together at his house. He invited some of his and Paige's middle school friends along with Rey, Finn, Poe, Rose and Ben who brought some friends as well. Rey was reluctant to go since there would be no adult supervision, but Rose eventually convinced her to. And that’s how Rey found herself sitting in a circle waiting to play Spin the Bottle.  
  
“So…what are the rules again?” Poe asked. “Pretty sure the last time I played this was in second grade.”  
  
“Seriously? It’s pretty self explanatory,” said a girl named Jannah. “We spin the bottle and whoever it’s pointing at, we have to kiss.”  
  
“Tongue or no tongue?” asked one of Todd's friends named Derek.  
  
“The decision is up to you.”   
  
“And is there a time limit? Is groping allowed?”  
  
“It’s really up to you how the kiss goes down and how long it lasts. But keep in mind...there are some young ones among us.”  
  
All eyes fell on Rey, Rose and Finn since they were the only ones not going into the seventh or eighth grade. Rey wanted nothing more than to flee. But Rose had her arm tightly looped around Rey’s arm to keep her from going anywhere. Derek took it upon himself to get the game started and spun the bottle quickly. It landed on Rose, who was visibly disappointed.  
  
"She's a young one, Derek," Jannah warned. "Better keep it PG."  
  
Derek laughed as he walked over to Rose who shrunk back a little. She was hoping for a chance to kiss Ben's best friend Armitage Hux who she had a massive crush on. He was known as "Hux" to his friends and "Armie" only to Rose. He was slightly shorter than Ben, but just as aloof and introverted. His porcelain skin was a contrast to his bright red hair and striking blue eyes. While Rey could agree with Rose that Hux’s eyes were “more beautiful than a cloudless sky”, he wasn’t Rey’s type. Derek twirled Rose around a couple times before dipping her low and pressing a chaste kiss on her forehead which Rose promptly wiped off.   
  
Next up, was Trevor who’s spin landed on Todd. They made a show of pretending to make out heavily, but their lips never touched. Mostly they wrestled around on the floor. There were two girls there who were the same age as Ben, Hux and Poe. Bazine and Zorii. They were best friends who seemed to have the same taste in boys. That boy in particular was none other than Ben Solo who seemed not to notice them trying to get his attention. Bazine was next after Trevor and she had to kiss Poe. They pecked very quickly on the lips.  
  
With each person that went, Rey kept willing the floor to open up and swallow her whole. Her attention was brought back to the game when Zorii’s spin landed on Ben. She smiled triumphantly at Bazine, who rolled her eyes and pretended to be more interested in her nails. Zorii crawled over to Ben with a smirk. Ben’s face and the tips of his ears had turned red. Rey couldn't help the frown on her face and looked down at the carpet as everyone around her said "oooo" and "awwww". Whatever happened between them didn't last long and when Rey looked up, Zorii looked...mad? She huffed and went back to her place in the cicle. It was Bazine's turn to smirk. Maybe Ben was a bad kisser?  
  
Rey started to panic when she realized her turn was coming quick. She hoped her bladder would suddenly become too full or that her fast food from earlier would decide to come charging back up her throat. But neither of them happened. After a disappointed Rose had to kiss Jannah, (They kissed each other on both cheeks like a friendly greeting) Rey realized it was her turn. Instead of spinning the bottle, she stared hoping it would shatter into pieces or burst into flame.   
  
“Come on Johnson we don’t have all day,” said Derek, tapping his watch.  
  
It wasn’t a big deal to anyone else so why was it such a big deal to Rey? Everyone had long since had their first kiss. Rey had somehow managed to go 12 years without having kissed anyone. Not even a curious innocent peck on the lips like her friends. And now, she was about to lose her first kiss to some random person who’d probably kissed a thousand other people. And what if they had eaten something with onions or had food stuck in their teeth or didn't practice proper oral hygiene?  
  
“Any day now,” Bazine rolled her eyes.  
  
Rose gently nudged Rey and she tentatively reached forward and spun the bottle. How bad could it be? Derek and Trevor weren’t hopeless looking and seemed to have plenty of experience. And if the bottle landed on Finn, Poe, Rose, Paige or even Todd, they’d keep it innocent. But there was one person Rey hadn’t considered which was the last person she thought she’d ever have the opportunity to kiss.  
  
Around and around and around the bottle spun. Rey’s palms were sweaty and her heart was beating so quickly she was afraid everyone could hear it. Time had never moved slower before in her entire life. Finally, the bottle came to a stop and she heard several people gasp. She didn’t even need to look at where the bottle was pointing to know who it was. There was jealousy and fury in both Zorii and Bazine’s eyes as they glared at Rey.  
  
Trevor let out a slow whistle and nodded in approval. “Johnson and Solo. Nice.”  
  
Todd saw the panicked look on Rey’s face. “Rey, you don’t have to do this if you really don’t want to.”  
  
“If she’s not going to play by the rules then why the hell is she even here?”  
  
“Trevor –“  
  
“No, it’s okay,” said Rey, her voice shaky. She finally forced herself to look at Ben, who was watching her with an unreadable look on his face. She looked away and shifted uncomfortably. “I can spin again.”  
  
“Well you can’t cheat the bottle,” said Ben quickly.  
  
Jannah let out an exasperated sigh. “Yeah. The rules are you have to kiss who the bottle lands on. You've seen how some of us don't even kiss on the lips. So just get on with it you two!”  
  
Rey took a deep breath. She could do this. Just a quick peck on the lips. It was really no big deal. Except that it was. It was a big deal. A colossal deal. This was Ben. Her best friend Ben. The one who took Zorii to the sixth grade valentine’s dance and took Bazine to the movies. Rey had heard rumors, but had never confirmed if he was dating one or both of them. What if those rumors were true? Rey wouldn’t like it if some other girl kissed her boyfriend whether or not it was for a stupid game.   
  
While Rey was lost in her thoughts, she didn’t notice Ben had moved closer until he was kneeling in front of her. The way he was looking at her...Rey was surprised she hadn't floated off into outer space. Butterflies began to take flight in her stomach and her throat was dry. She felt as though she were parched and Ben was an overflowing oasis in the middle of a desert. She was surprised she hadn't melted into the floor under his heated gaze. Suddenly she became aware of just how chapped her lips were. Instinctively, she licked them and Ben's eyes immediately dropped down to her tongue gliding quickly across her lips. Both Zorii and Bazine's faces had gone full tomato by this point, but neither Ben nor Rey noticed.  
  
Ben's eyes were locked onto Rey's as he reached up and gently touched the side of her face. She briefly shut her eyes and when she opened them, she noticed he was moving closer. His eyes were closed and his lips were slightly parted. Rey's body stiffened and she started leaning away from him. Then Rose pushed Rey forward so hard she knocked Ben onto the floor, landing on top of him in the process. They both laid there with eyes wide at this awkward position they found themselves in. Rey was situated between Ben's legs with her arms on either side of his head.   
  
She tried to get up, but Ben put one hand on the back of her head and pulled her to him. As soon as their lips met, Rey could swear she felt jolts of electricity shooting through her body setting her nerve endings aflame. The butterflies were now in a full on frenzy and she was sure her heart would beat out of her chest cavity. She’d never felt this way before. But then again she’d never kissed anyone before. At first, she let herself get lost in the battle of their mouths. It wasn't rough or nasty by any means. It was soft but still somehow urgent. Every time she tried to move away, Ben followed. He didn’t seem to mind that her lips were chapped as he continued his gentle assault with his incredibly enviable soft lips. Rey made a mental note to ask what sort of chapstick he used and if he exfoliated. She knew Paige and Rose exfoliated their lips from time to time and maybe she should've done that before the party.  
  
Rey was brought out of her thoughts when she heard Ben moan. That brought her crashing back to the situation at hand. This wasn’t a dream. She was making out with Ben Solo in front of their friends and older kids she didn’t know that well. Then she felt Ben’s tongue drag along her bottom lip and that did it. She panicked and shoved her knee into his groin. Immediately he let her go and curled up into a fetal position groaning. Several claps and whoops echoed around the room as Rey fled into the nearest bathroom locking the door behind her.  
  
She collapsed on the floor, drew her knees up to her chest then wrapped her arms around them and began to cry. She felt so humiliated and pathetic. Had anyone taken pictures or vidoes? Would this be all over Instagram? She knew what Bazine and Zorii were capable of. And where had Ben learned how to kiss like that? How many times has he made out with someone in order to be so good at it? Rey ignored her phone that kept vibrating in her pocket from texts and calls. She ignored Todd banging on the door pleading with her to come out.  
  
It would be half an hour before Rey would finally emerge, thankful to find everyone had left. Only Paige and Rose stayed behind to take her home. After apologizing to Todd for ruining his party which he told her not to worry about, the girls went over to Rey's house for a much needed sleepover. Rian ordered pizza, breadsticks and hot wings for them before disappearing into his bedroom to give them some privacy. Rey exfoliated her lips for the first time and loved how they felt, instantly regretting not having done this sooner. They watched reruns of Golden Girls while Paige styled Rey's hair into two French braids and Rose painted her nails. Nobody brought up the game until later when Paige was asleep.  
  
"So," Rose said. "Spill."  
  
"Spill?"   
  
"Yeah. The kiss with Ben Solo," Rose wiggled her eyebrows and Rey threw a pillow at her. "Your first kiss."  
  
“Honestly…it was nice,” Rey smiled despite the conflict and confusion swirling around in her brain. “Ben’s a really good kisser.”  
  
And that was that. Her first boy/girl party – Check. And her first kiss – Check.

* * *

_**July 15, 2015** _   
  
_I’m sorry about what happened at Todd's party last night. I hope you’re not too mad at me and that you're not still in pain. I feel awful for how I reacted. I guess you could say I had a literal knee jerk reaction. And it's no excuse, but I really didn't think you'd actually kiss me. Especially not like that. I thought maybe it would be something innocent like a kiss on the cheek or the forehead. I made it such a big deal when it wasn't. But I panicked. That was my first kiss. And I know that may not be a big deal to you or to anyone else, but it was to me. I wanted my first kiss to be special not forced on me. God I sound so pathetic. It's not like my virginity was on the line. But truth be told...you're not a bad kisser. Not that I've had experience with kissing but it wasn't a bad first kiss. Not that you'll ever know that. I didn't want to play that stupid game in the first place. I should've just played Mario Kart or Luigi's Mansion. Sorry I haven't returned your phone calls or texted back. I just need some time.  
_

* * *

_**August 23, 2015**  
  
I noticed something today I never have before. And I didn't want to tell you because well...it's stupid really. But when you were sitting there sketching, the sun hit your eyes at just the right angle and it looked like there were golden flecks in them. That's why I was staring at you. It had nothing to do with your new haircut or the fact your ears are on full display. I wish you didn't hate your ears so much. They're part of what makes you...you. I'm sorry Zorii and Bazine said mean things about your haircut. I'm sure they didn't mean them. They just aren't used to seeing you with your hair that short. Don't let it bother you. Your hair will grow out. Then you can just lock yourself in your room the next time your mom demands you cut it. Or I can talk her out of it. She always did love me more I'm pretty sure. You could avoid haircuts for the rest of your life and let it grow past your shoulders. Then Paige could put a braid in it and Rose could make you a flower crown and you could dress like a medieval knight and oh my god I'm laughing because I can picture it and it's hilarious!  
  
PS Honestly you'd still look good with long hair with a braid and a flower crown. In fact, you'd be a dashing knight. Whoa. Where did that come from?  
_   
_PPS There is literally absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're perfect. I hope you know that. _  
__

* * *

_**November 7, 2015  
  
** _ _You know what's sad? I still think about that kiss a lot. Yeah. I know. It’s been months and I still think about it. I also finally realized that Finn, Poe and Rose were right all along. That I like you. As more than a friend. And I have for a long time now. It just gets worse with each day that passes by.  
_

* * *

_**December 26, 2015**  
  
They say people change and friends grow apart. But I hope that doesn’t happen to us.  
_

* * *

_**January 1, 2016**  
  
Happy New Year you loser. I hope you don’t think it’s creepy that I like almost all of your Instagram posts and watch everything on your story. I’m glad you’re having fun and that you’re happy. I am confused about something though...who is it you're actually in a relationship with? Bazine? Zorii? Jannah? Kaydel? Jessika? Or one of the other chicks in your posts? You seem to be equally invested in all of them in the same capacity. I mean I guess as long as you're happy that's what matters right? Because you deserve to be happy. Even if it’s not with me. Okay wow. Not sure where that came from...but I wrote this in pen and I really don't feel like scratching it out or throwing this away so it's going to stay here. You're never going to read this anyway so it's whatever right?   
_

* * *

_**April 16, 2016**  
  
I didn't think it was possible for you to get any cuter, but then I saw your post about how you finally have contacts and wow. No wonder nobody recognized Clark Kent was Superman when he wore glasses. You're like a whole new version of yourself without the glasses. Not that you ever looked bad with the glasses. You've never looked bad a day in your life. (Yes even with your hair cut so short your ears stick out.)   
_

* * *

**_September 24, 2016_ ** _  
  
Wow. That’s really all I have to say. What the hells happened to you? I’ve heard so many rumors and I just didn’t want them to be true. But I guess they all were true. Then again, I really shouldn’t care. Because you don’t care anymore. How could you hurt Finn and Rose like that? I thought spreading rumors was beyond you. And the fighting? You're lucky Poe doesn't press charges. And what's with all the partying? God, you've changed so damn much and we have grown apart which was the last thing I ever wanted. But I guess it’s for the best. The fact I still can’t seem to get over you even after everything that's happened be damned.  
_

* * *

 _ **November 7, 2016**  
  
I let Finn and Rose set me up with one of Finn’s teammates. He’s smart, cute, nice and kind. He doesn't have a harem of girls at his beck and call. He doesn't party. He doesn't get into fights or spread rumors. In fact, he's nothing like you. That may be what I like the most about him. I think his dad knows your mom_ _. I think they dated back in high school. Weird right?_ _I’m not really sure why I’m telling you this other than the fact I feel like I'm finally getting over you which is something I should’ve done the moment you went into seventh grade._

* * *

_**November 20, 2016**  
  
Shit. I'm really sorry about your grandmother. And then your dad and uncle? Why didn't you say anything to us? I know we had a bad falling out, but despite all that we still would've been there for you. But I guess you didn't want that or you would've reached out. I hope your new friends and girlfriend have been a good support system. I know how you can get when you lose yourself in that headspace. Just don't stay lost in there forever. Congrats on making Zorii your girlfriend officially. It was a bit confusing since you have so many posts with different girls. But anyway...I'm glad you seem to have settled down. As mean as she is, Zorii seems nice when she's with you. And as much as you have disappointed me and hurt me unknowingly...I will never not care about you, you stupid loser. And I hope someday you realize that._

* * *

**April 6, 2017** _  
  
I miss you, you absolute asshole. I miss your greasy hair and your big, dumb ears. I miss your crooked ass smile and those stupid dimples. I miss your poop brown eyes that you used to hide behind those big dorky glasses. I miss everything about you.  
_

* * *

 _ **October 23, 2018**  
  
You know what's so damn annoying? I'm still not over you. I hoped by now I would be. I tried so hard to bury those feelings and get you off my mind and for a while it worked. That's why I blocked you on Instagram and Facebook_ _._ _I was also drunk when I made that decision._ _Yeah. Me. Drunk. Never thought I'd see that day either. Rose and I were having a sleepover and snuck into Paige’s secret stash while she was out with friends. I’m not even sure what all we drank, but it_ _burned and tasted nasty. We threw up a lot and woke up with massive hangovers._ _Yeah. Never gonna_ _do that again._ _  
  
Anyway…thanks for accepting my follow request and friend request. Again. And thanks for not questioning it. Maybe I'm not as pathetic as I think I am or else you wouldn't have accepted. Or am I just that delusional in my feelings for you now?  
_

* * *

 _**December 31, 2018**  
_ _  
This may be the last time I write to you. It’s going to have to be if I want any chance of moving on. I just can’t keep dwelling on these feelings or waiting for you to realize that I care about you so much even though we haven’t talked in a while._ _You wanna know something funny? Rose says it’s because I'm in love with you. Isn’t that stupid? We’re just a bunch of stupid hormonal teenagers. We don’t know what love actually is. But if I were to guess, it would be something like what Paige and Todd have. But we’ve never had what Paige and Todd have. I mean sure I love you as a friend. (Like I love Rose, Paige, Todd, Poe and Finn.) But I could never love you the way that Paige loves Todd or the way you seem to love Zorii. Right?  
  
Right?  
_

* * *

_**February 14, 2019**  
  
I miss you, Ben. I miss running my fingers through your hair that never really was greasy at all. I just called it greasy because I was jealous that it was usually always softer than mine. Which isn’t cool. Maybe someday I will figure out what your haircare routine is. I miss making you laugh when you didn’t want to. I miss your smile. The forced smiles and the smiles that were so big your eyes did that cute thing where they scrunch up and your dimples show. God, I miss those dimples. This is going to sound so pathetically cheesy and cliche but I say it only because its true but your smile truly lights up a room.   
  
And your eyes. I was gone from the first moment you looked at me through those thick rimmed glasses. You know right before I put my foot in my mouth and called you Dumbo then you pushed me in the pool because I deserved it. I still feel bad for calling you that. Somehow, with contacts your eyes seem to shine even more. I hope you never fall asleep with them on. I've done that a few times and it's not fun.   
  
I miss seeing posts about your artwork and calligrapy. Do you still do any of that anymore? I know you're busy now with football and parties and girls, but I hope you still find time to sketch and paint. I remember when we were younger how you'd sketch and paint almost every day. I held onto everything by the way. Every sketch, every painting and every random note I made you write in calligraphy. It's all in a box somewhere in my jungle of a closet.   
  
I'm just rambling now, but I hope your friends and whatever girl it is you're entertaining these days learns to appreciate you for who you really are. I hope they know what a talented artist you are. I hope they learn to love everything about you that you find fault in. (Yes including your ears.) I hope they see the side of you that I knew and that I miss. The shy, aloof yet adorably cute gentle giant. My god I am so hopeless.   
_

* * *

**June 16, 2019**   
  
_Shit. I think Rose was right. I think I'm in love with you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the words of Luke Skywalker: "This is not going to go the way you think." Also, please keep in mind these excerpts are solely from Rey's POV.


	3. The little things they try to break me down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer chapter because sometimes I can't stop LOL

_"The little things they always hang around_   
_The little things they try to break me down_   
_The little things they just won't go away_   
_The little things made me who I am today_   
_You want to hate me now_   
_But I won't stop now, cause I can't stop now_   
_It always seems those little things they take the biggest part of me..."_   
  
_Little Things by Good Charlotte  
_

* * *

Rey should’ve known that Friday was going to be bad. It started off by her sleeping through her alarm because she was up late the night before finishing a paper she’d procrastinated on writing that was due. Then on the way to school, she got a flat tire. It started to rain while she was putting on the spare and she made it to school halfway through her second class. During her third class, her monthly visitor decided to drop in unannounced. Off she went to the school nurse who gave her some Midol, pads, tampons and school issued sweatpants since she bled through her jeans. Her once perfectly straightened hair was now frizzy and wet from the rain, so she hastily tied it up into a lopsided messy bun. By the time lunch rolled around, Rey was highly considering leaving to start her weekend early.  
  
Finn was busy talking about the upcoming basketball season and how Cassian Andor had somehow gotten even hotter over the summer. Next to him, Poe was looking over plans for the upcoming annual Fall Festival and Ball. It was one of his many jobs as Student Council and Student Body President. How Poe managed to be so heavily involved in student politics and maintain his role as Valedictorian was beyond Rey. Rose was scrolling through Instagram while she ate some french fries. Beside her, Rey was fighting through her cramps and trying to get a nap in.  
  
“Ooo! I almost forgot!” Finn said suddenly. “Guess what I heard this morning during AP English?”  
  
“Zorii and Ben broke up,” said Rose in a bored tone.  
  
Rey lifted her head and Poe’s eyes shot up from his papers.  
  
“Really? Takodana’s Golden Couple is no more?” Poe asked.  
  
Finn nodded. “Apparently Zorii has a private profile on Instagram.”  
  
“What was on it?”  
  
“Beats me,” Finn shrugged. “But the basic gist was that she's been cheating on him so they are doneso.”  
  
"But this isn't the first time she's cheated on him," said Rose.   
  
"True but I think he's finally realizing she's just going to keep doing it."   
  
“Which means…” Rose wiggled her eyebrows and nudged Rey. “Ben Solo is…solo.”  
  
Rey pushed her and Finn frowned. “Wait a minute, wait a minute…Rey do you still like Solo?”  
  
Rey knew her cheeks were turning red. “No.”  
  
“Oh my god she’s blushing,” Finn grinned. “Rey make your move!”  
  
“Are you kidding? After everything he’s done? Guys do you not remember that rumor he spread about you? And Poe remember when he broke your nose when he thought you were trying to hook up with Zorii?”  
  
“My nose is better than ever now after the surgery,” Poe beamed, moving his head this way and that to give them all the angles. “I really should be thanking Ben.”  
  
“And we were able to put those rumors to bed,” said Finn waving his hand dismissively as Rose nodded in agreement. “Now that I’m with Poe and Rose is pretty much with Armitage, it’s all water under the bridge.”  
  
Rey made a face. “I don’t understand how you guys could just move on like it never happened. He stopped talking to us because we weren’t part of the cool crowd.”  
  
Poe shrugged. “I’ve got other things to worry about. Like this upcoming Fall Festival.”  
  
“Ugh Poe please don’t,” Rose groaned.  
  
Poe ignored her and continued. “We once again find ourselves short for volunteers this year. Please I am begging you. Just sign up for one shift. Half an hour. That’s it. Then you can enjoy the festival and the dance afterwards.”  
  
Finn looked the list over. “I’ll go ahead and take the two early shifts at the Dunk Tank.”  
  
Poe’s eyes lit up. “Really? I love you!”  
  
“I know,” Finn smiled, as Poe made a note.  
  
“Rose? Rey?” Poe slid the list across the table to them.  
  
Rose looked over the list and shrugged. “Sign me up for the Ice Cream Sundae Bar. That shouldn’t be too hard. Any shift will do.”  
  
“And Miss Johnson? For you what’ll it be?”  
  
Rey considered all her options. She didn’t want to be doused in water, have pies thrown at her face, clean up after messy people or…  
  
“Have Rey do a shift at the Kissing Booth!” Rose nearly shouted.  
  
Several people sitting around them looked over curiously and Rey wished she had left school early.  
  
“What? No!” Rey exclaimed. “Absolutely not. Anything but that.”  
  
“Oh come on,” Poe begged. “It doesn’t have to be a kiss on the lips. In years past, people have kissed on the hands, forehead, cheek… Plus it’s only half an hour and there will be so many other things for people to do at the festival. The Kissing Booth has never been one of our top sources of income.”  
  
“I don’t know,” Rey was more than unsure. In years past, she’d done the dunk tank, had pies thrown at her face and even helped with set up and clean up. But she never thought she'd do the Kissing Booth. “I just...there will be people who don’t shower or brush their teeth trying to make out with me.”  
  
“Ewww,” Rose made a face while Finn laughed.  
  
“I’ll make sure everyone's clean and has fresh breath okay?” Poe grinned.  
  
“But how –“  
  
“Pleeeaassseeee,” Poe gave her his puppy dog eyes that usually got him everything he wanted.  
  
Rey sighed. “Alright, fine. But only the one shift. And I want one that’s at a time when it’s not busy.”  
  
Poe nodded, as he made some more notes. Just then, Armitage Hux, Rose’s on again off again boyfriend (and one of Ben’s best friends) walked over. He sat down next to Rose and kissed her on the forehead. “Hey guys, what’s up?”  
  
“Hux! The man of the hour!” Poe beamed.  
  
“Fall Festival?” Hux asked Rose, who nodded. Then he looked at Poe and sighed. “What do you still need?”  
  
“Oh there’s a few things. Say, you think you could talk some of your teammates into signing up for some stuff?” Poe asked, sliding the list over to Hux.  
  
“I’ll take it with me to practice and can get it back to you after school,” Hux nodded, as he took the list and Poe smiled triumphantly. “I wanted to invite you guys to a party I’m throwing next Friday. It’s going to be at my house.”  
  
“Aren’t your parents going to be out of town?” Rose asked. They all looked at her and realization dawned on her. “Oh… Ohhhh.”  
  
“I’ve got nothing going on,” said Finn, looking around the table. Poe and Rose nodded in agreement then all eyes were on Rey who shifted uncomfortably.  
  
“I don’t…I mean I'm sure I'll have something.”  
  
Rose rolled her eyes. “She’ll be there.”  
  
“Great! I’ll get back with you guys on details closer in just wanted to give you a heads up so you could keep your calendars cleared,” Hux smiled then he turned his full attention to Rose. “Rose, could we uhm…”  
  
He nodded towards the exit and Rose immediately understood, as she gathered up her things. “See you guys later.”  
  
“They’re totally going to make out,” Finn commented when they were out of hearing range.  
  
“They got caught the other day in the projection room above the auditorium,” said Poe.  
  
“What??”  
  
Poe nodded and began to tell the story of how Hux and Rose were caught nearly naked by Principal Holdo. But Rey could only focus on the way her best friend was walking with Hux’s arm protectively around her shoulders. They were smitten with each other from the moment Ben introduced them. They were serial daters who always ended up back in each other's arms. Rey wondered what that was like. To have someone that cared so much about you that they were always waiting. Even while you were off dating other people. Because nobody else truly mattered to them. She hoped to find that kind of connection someday. 

* * *

By the time school was out, Rey was more than ready to spend two days at home. Her first mission was to change. She had to park in the back by the practice field since she had been late to school. The sun had come out bright and hot causing her to break out into a sweat by the time she reached her car. She threw her backpack in the passenger’s seat, cranked up the air conditioning then proceeded to back out of the parking space. Suddenly, she heard a loud **_THUMP!_** as something hit the back of her car. For a moment she sat there staring straight ahead, her heart racing and hands gripping the steering wheel. There was movement in the rearview mirror and she saw someone wearing a football shirt leaning over the back of the car like they were in pain.   
  
“Shit,” Rey said, as she put the car in park and quickly got out. “I am so sorry, are you –“  
  
She froze when she saw who it was. Her eyes traveled along the muscles that hadn’t been there when they were younger in his forearms and bottom half of his legs that weren’t hidden by athletic shorts. His dark hair fell around his perfect angular face. His brown eyes studied her and sent a flurry of butterflies into her stomach.  
  
“Rey?” he said.  
  
For a moment Rey just stood there staring. She was at a loss for words. He frowned and stood to his full height. It was a widely known fact that he was taller than most of the students and teachers at Takodana Prep. But it had been so long since she’d been close enough to realize just how much he dwarfed her.  
  
“Ben,” she finally managed. “What uhm…what are you doing creeping around the back of the school? Don’t you have football practice?”  
  
Ben motioned to the practice field behind him. “That’s where I was going before you hit me with your car.”  
  
“Oh. Sorry about that,” Rey looked down. “I didn’t see you.”  
  
“Clearly.”  
  
Rey’s head snapped up and she frowned. “You really should pay more attention in parking lots you know. Watch out for moving vehicles.”  
  
“I was running late.”  
  
“And if you keep standing here you’re going to be even later,” said Rey. “Guess you should go now and try not to get hit by anymore cars.”  
  
“Right...”  
  
Rey nodded and stood there for a few more seconds…minutes? Saying nothing and looking everywhere but at him. He was watching her though. This was the first time in a while he’d seen her up close. Sure, he caught glimpses of her in the hallways between classes and the cafeteria at lunch. And if he were being completely honest, he always looked longer than he should. Waiting until she’d disappear from view before looking away. Then every night before he went to sleep, he’d scroll down Instagram to see what she was up to. But he never liked or commented on any of her posts. He didn’t want to draw attention to himself. She’d already blocked him before for reasons unknown. And he didn’t dare question it when she unblocked him. He missed their friendship. He missed her.  
  
“I’m sorry about Zorii,” Rey said before she could stop herself.  
  
Ben frowned a little and tilted his head to the side. “How did –“  
  
“Finn. He told us at lunch but Rose already knew.”  
  
“Oh,” Ben nodded. “It’s…whatever.”  
  
Rey shook her head. “No. It’s not whatever. She shouldn’t have betrayed you like that. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.”  
  
Ben gave her a meaningful look that melted her heart just a little. That's when Rey realized she’d stepped closer to him without realizing it. They were so close that he was staring down his nose at her and she had to lean back to look up at him. For a few seconds that truly felt like hours, they just stared at each other. Ben was overwhelmed by words unspoken in the years of silence that had passed between them. Rey found herself fighting to keep feelings buried as they began to resurface. That's when she took a big step back not realizing he wanted her to stay. He wanted her closer.   
  
“I’m…gonna go now,” Rey said quickly. “Sorry again about hitting you. I hope you don’t have any major injuries.”  
  
“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” Ben smiled. It wasn’t a big smile, but it was enough to make his dimples appear and Rey felt her heart skip a beat. “And if not, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”  
  
Rey felt herself tense up until Ben laughed, causing her butterflies to rage.  
  
“I’m joking Rey,” he said. “I’m more shocked than anything. You really didn’t hurt me.”  
  
Rey blinked rapidly at him. “Oh. Okay. Well…that’s uhm…I’m gonna just…bye!”  
  
She practically dove into the driver’s seat, gripping the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white. Why the hell was her heart racing? And why were there butterflies in her stomach? This wasn’t the same Ben that she knew growing up. He was different now. So why the hell was she reacting to him as though they were still in elementary school? Rey looked in the rearview mirror to find Ben still lingering. He was looking at her too almost like he wanted to say something. After a few more seconds, he finally moved out of her way. Slowly, Rey backed up without further incident. As she drove past him, he waved and she waved back. If she looked in her rearview mirror as she drove away, she would’ve seen him watching until she disappeared from view.  
  
Ben left the locker room in plenty of time for practice after signing up for a shift at the Kissing Booth for the Fall Festival. But then he saw Rey getting into her car. She never parked back here. He told his teammates to go on ahead to practice and that he’d be there soon. Then he slammed his hands on the trunk of her car not hard enough to leave dents but enough to make it sound like she hit something so she’d stop and get out and talk to him and… Ben had been so overwhelmed by the sudden urge to talk to her he didn’t think things through. But he wanted to talk to her even if it was awkward and lasted only five minutes. He didn’t care. He acted on instinct. And he had no regrets.

* * *

When she got home, Rey changed into her comfiest pajamas and picked out a chick flick to watch. Then she curled up on the couch with her favorite ice cream which she ate with a Snickers Bar in place of a spoon. She texted with Poe, Finn and Rose about their weekend plans and her father texted around six saying he’d be home soon. After her movie ended, Rey took some more Midol then wandered up to her room. Her mind was racing from how her day had gone. From the stressful start to her weird run in with Ben. This was definitely worth writing in her diary about. She got the hat box from the top of her closet then sat on her bed. When she removed the lid, she blinked once. Twice. Three more times. Then the panic set in.  
  
“Shit,” Rey jumped up and ran back into the closet. “Shit shit shit…”  
  
She kept muttering expletives under her breath as she began tearing through her closet. Before long she heard the garage door opening signaling that her father was home. He walked inside the house whistling and made his way up the stairs.   
  
“Sorry I got held up at work. There was an unscheduled emergency c section at the last minute. I was thinking about take out for dinner. How does –” he stopped at her bedroom door, taking note of how her room seemed messier than usual. “Rey? Are you okay?”  
  
She stepped out of her closet with red, puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.  
  
“Rey, what happened?” Rian rushed over and hugged her.  
  
“It’s…they’re gone. They’re missing and I just…I’ve looked everywhere and –“  
  
“What's gone?”  
  
“My diary and this love letter. I just –“  
  
Rian looked confused. “Diary? Love letter? You write love letters?”  
  
Rey nodded, wiping her eyes with the palms of her hands.  
  
“Well maybe you just misplaced them.”  
  
“No,” Rey shook her head. “I always put them inside the hat box at the top of my closet when I'm done writing in them.”  
  
Rian thought for a moment as he looked around the room. “Well if you describe what they look like, I could help you look.”  
  
Rey smiled weakly and shook her head. “No. It’s okay. I’ll call Rose. Maybe she can help jog my memory since she was over here yesterday. Thanks though.”  
  
“If you’re sure,” said Rian and Rey nodded. “Besides that, how was your day?"  
  
"Horrible," Rey said, sitting on her bed.  
  
"Wanna talk about it?"  
  
"Not really, but I need a new tire. I got a flat this morning on the way to school and switched it out for the spare."  
  
Rian nodded. "I'll take care of that tomorrow."  
  
"Thanks dad," Rey smiled.  
  
"Anytime. Anytime you need anything or need to talk...I'm here. And right now I'm hungry. How does Thai food sound?"  
  
"Delicious," Rey said. "I'm really hungry. Aunt Rose dropped in."  
  
He looked at her for a moment before understanding her meaning, then he coughed nervously. "Oh I uh...do you need to get some...supplies?"  
  
"I still have some from the last time," Rey smiled a little.   
  
"Right well I'll go get dinner ordered."  
  
With that Rian disappeared down the hall. Rey laid back on her bed and reached for her cell phone to call Rose.  
  
Rose picked up after three rings. _“What up Sting Rey?”_  
  
Rey groaned. “My life is over.”  
  
 _“Why? What happened? Who do I need to hurt?”_  
  
“No one. It was me. Alllll me.”  
  
 _“What did you do?”_  
  
“I can’t find my diary.”  
  
Rose was quiet for a moment. _“It’s not where you normally put it?”_  
  
Rey shook her head eventhough Rose couldn’t see her. “I remember writing in it last night like I always do and I assume I put it back in the hat box when I was done. But it’s not there and I don’t know where else I would have put it. And i've spent the last hour or so tearing through my closet. I’ve looked fucking everywhere!”  
  
_“Okay Rey. I’m gonna need you to calm down and breathe.”_  
  
“I am calm!”  
  
Rey could hear Rose smirking through the phone. _“Are you though? Are you really?”_  
  
Rey rubbed her forehead. “It gets worse.”  
  
 _“Worse how?”_  
  
“I also can’t find the love letter to Ben.”  
  
 _“Oh my god.”_  
  
“I know right??”  
  
Rose thought for a moment and Rey heard a rustling of papers on the other end of the line. _“What if I came over tomorrow and helped you reorganize. I know how messy that room of yours is. Maybe they’re just hidden in another pile or box?”_  
  
Rey nodded. It was her only option at this point and finally making sense of her messy room was a project that had been a long time coming. “Okay. Let’s do that.”  
  
 _“Cool. But you've gotta promise me you’ll calm down. Have you had dinner yet?”_  
  
“Well no I’ve been distracted and –“  
  
 _“Is your dad home?”_  
  
“Yes. He’s ordering in but Rose –“  
  
 _“I’m going to hang up, you’re going to have dinner with your dad. Then you’re going to take a bubble bath or something equally as relaxing. Don’t think about the diary or the letter. Just focus on breathing and staying calm. We’ll find them tomorrow.”_  
  
“And what if we don’t?”  
  
Rose got quiet. For far too long. _“We’ll cross that bridge if we ever get to it okay? But for now – eat, relax, sleep. Got it?”_  
  
“Okay.”  
  
 _“I mean it Rey. Get some sleep.”_  
  
“I will.”  
  
 _“Promise me.”_  
  
Rey rolled her eyes. “I promise. Mom.”  
  
 _“Good. See you tomorrow.”_  
  
“Nite.”

* * *

Ben was sitting on a lawnchair in the backyard of his family's estate staring up at the sky. One advantage to living outside Canto Bight was the fact you could actually see the stars. Thousands of them. Millions even. In his lap was the fuzzy pink diary he’d found under a desk in his fifth period Zoology class. He considered leaving it where it was, but part of him said to take it to the school's lost and found. And another even louder part told him to take it home and try to figure out who it belonged to on his own. He heard the backdoor sliding open and turned to see his father wheeling himself out of the house.  
  
“Oh sorry,” Han grunted when he saw Ben. “Didn’t know anyone else would be out here. Figured you’d be out with your girlfriend or at a party or something. It is the weekend afterall.”  
  
Ben tensed up a little. “I don’t…Zorii and I broke up.”  
  
“Oh? That’s a shame,” said Han, sounding anything but sad about the situation. “What happened?”  
  
“She cheated on me.”  
  
Han sighed. “Who was it this time?”  
  
Ben cringed. “Some guy who’s in college now. Theed University. He was a senior at Takodana two years ago.”  
  
“How did you find out?”  
  
“She had a private profile on Instagram that she blocked me from. But Hux found it.”  
  
Han looked over at him. “This isn’t the first time she’s cheated on you.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“And if you keep taking her back she’s gonna keep doing it.”  
  
“You don’t know that.”  
  
“Kid. This is the third…fifth…time – that you know of. It’s something of a habit with her. And last year with the –“  
  
“Can we please just not talk about her anymore?” Ben asked, running a hand through his hair.  
  
“I just don’t understand why you still allow her to be such a big part of your life. You seemed happier back when you guys took that break.”  
  
 _Until I found out Rey was dating that guy on Finn’s basketball team._ Ben thought bitterly.  
  
He'd come out here to clear his mind and think of anything other than his ex girlfriend and all the ways she was bad for him.  
  
“Alright, fine,” said Han, holding up his hands. Then he saw the pink diary in Ben’s lap and frowned. “Whatcha got there?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Ben shrugged. “I found it under a desk in Zoology.”  
  
“It’s not Zorii’s?”  
  
Ben shook his head. “She doesn’t keep a diary or a journal. I’m gonna take it to the lost and found on Monday.”  
  
Han smirked. “Kid, if you were going to take it to the lost and found, you would’ve done that already. Instead, you’re at home on a Friday night stargazing with it in your lap. And my guess is you’ve considered reading it. Which is an invasion of someone’s privacy.”  
  
Ben said nothing and stared up at the sky. Han was right. Whoever owned it was probably worried sick. Usually a diary or journal was meant to for the author’s eyes only. But how did it end up on the floor of a classroom forgotten?  
  
“So,” said Han. “How have you been doing? School going okay? Football? I feel like we haven’t had a real conversation in a while.”  
  
“That’s because we haven’t,” Ben snapped.  
  
Han raised his eyebrows a little before chuckling. “I suppose you’re right. Even without the use of my legs I’ve managed to keep a busy schedule.”  
  
Ben had a mind to go back inside the house and hide in his room for the rest of the weekend. But then he looked over at his father who was watching him expectantly. Ben’s eyes wandered down to the wheelchair that was now a part of his father’s daily routine and felt guilty. It had been four years, but Ben remembered the accident like it was yesterday. He was partying with his friends trying to forget about the death of his grandmother that had happened just two weeks prior. Ben remembered the phone call. The way his mother could barely speak as she begged him to meet her at the emergency room. He was a little bit drunk and high when he arrived, but sober enough to realize that whatever happened was bad.  
  
He remembered the hospital. Sterile. Cold. White. People rushing around. His mother on the ground crying. Pleading with anyone who would listen to her. It would be hours before they heard anything. Yes Han was fine. But he was paralyzed from the waist down and suffered a broken spine, along with other cuts and scrapes that would heal over time. He'd need physical therapy and would probably never walk again. But his Uncle Luke hadn’t fared so well. He died in surgery that night.  
  
They kept the funeral small only allowing family and close friends to attend. Ben had invited no one. Because nobody had taken the time to get to know his uncle that well. Not his friends or even his girlfriend. He did see some familiar faces but time wasn’t kind to his friendships from his childhood. Rose, Finn and Poe showed up with their families but kept to themselves. They offered their condolences to Ben and his parents before leaving. The only one who wasn’t there was Rey. Rian showed up stating she wasn’t feeling well.  
  
But Ben somehow knew he was lying. Ben knew Rey was avoiding him. And he didn’t really blame her. He knew what she was seeing on social media. He knew she heard the rumors and that she believed them. And he didn’t have the strength to set her straight. So he just let her go on thinking that the rumors were true. She didn’t need to be part of the messy broken world he’d created for himself. She deserved better.  
  
“Wouldn’t you know it. They don’t put their name anywhere in here,” Han broke into Ben’s thoughts.  
  
That’s when Ben realized the diary was no longer in his lap. Han was flipping through it’s pages. “Whoever it belongs to has beautiful handwriting. Reminds me a little of your calligraphy. Are you still doing that?” Han held the diary out to Ben.  
  
“Sometimes,” said Ben, as he skimmed through some of the entries. “They end every entry with XOXO KRJ.”  
  
“Must be initials,” said Han. “Should be simple enough. Go through your yearbook and find everyone with those initials.”  
  
Ben shook his head. “It couldn’t be that easy. KRJ could be a nickname or some kind of code.”  
  
“Or a pseudonym?” Han said with a twinkle in his eyes.  
  
“Dad…”  
  
“Speaking of which… When is your next art exhibit?”  
  
“In Naboo in three weeks. It's on a Saturday.”  
  
Han nodded thoughtfully. “Send me the address and the time and I’ll be there.”  
  
“I thought you were flying to Europe in three weeks?”  
  
“I can rearrange my schedule. Chewie can handle it if they refuse to move the closing dates.”  
  
“Dad, you don’t have to do that.”  
  
“It’s important to you isn’t it?”  
  
Ben nodded.  
  
“Then it’s important to me. Your mom’s gone to more of your games and art exhibits than I have. And that needs to change.” Han said, his mind already made up. “Anyway... This old man better get to bed. I’ve got an early morning. Meeting with some developers about that new outlet mall.”  
  
Han started to wheel himself towards the house.  
  
“Dad?” Ben called after him. Han turned to look back. “Thanks for talking to me.”  
  
Han nodded. “We should do that more often.”  
  
“I’d like that,” Ben smiled. “Good night.”  
  
“Good night kid.”  
  
Ben opened the diary up to a random page and started to read. There were a few familiar names mentioned. Some of his childhood friends who he didn’t talk to anymore much if at all: Poe, Finn and Rose. Then there were mentions of his friends and several other students and teachers from different grades and social circles. Whoever it was didn’t give any clues as to what classes or grade they were in. But KRJ did keep bringing him up.   
  
They wrote about everything. How Ben had an ugly duckling type of transformation between elementary, junior high and high school. His dark shaggy hair. His big ears. His big nose. His full mouth. The angular shape of his face. How he walked. The timbre of his voice. How ripped he was. How he was the epitome of an alpha male. Ben rolled his eyes. These were things most people talked about in regards to him. Things he hated about himself like his ears and his nose. But he'd somehow grown into them between junior high and high school. In the eighth grade, Ben started to become popular and in the ninth grade, was on the varsity football team due to his stature and muscular build. Girls like Zorii Bliss and Bazine Netal were finally giving him the time of day. But it was all so empty and shallow. They didn't truly care about him. Not in the ways that really mattered.  
  
As Ben kept reading, he realized that KRJ saw him much differently than anyone else despite the initial entries he'd read. The way KRJ wrote made him feel like he was someone truly worth writing about. They wrote about the way his eyes lit up when he smiled or laughed. They described his smiles as rare and beautiful and how his dimples were butterfly inducing. They talked about how his moles and freckles were like unknown galaxies they wanted to explore. They talked about the cute way he tilted his head when he was deep in thought or confused. They talked about how easy it was to get lost in his eyes - his boring plain brown eyes - because they were gorgeous and expressive and deeper than the deepest parts of the ocean. KRJ was also familiar with his artistic abilities. Ben didn’t share that side of himself with hardly anyone outside his family. From the sounds of it, KRJ had even attended some of his art exhibits. And they understood the emotion and meaning behind each of his pieces. After reading through several more entries at random, Ben felt as though he and KRJ had a connection. He’d never felt more understood in his life.   
  
He shut the diary and went up to his room. Laying down on his bed, he opened up his phone to scroll through Instagram. He paused when he found Rey’s most recent post. She was laying down on what he assumed was her bed. All he saw was a pink fuzzy blanket behind her. Her hair was laying around her head like a crazy halo. She was laughing with her eyes closed and her hand covering half of her face like she was embarrassed. The caption, as with most of her posts, was a quote: _“And we will all laugh at gilded butterflies.”_  
  
Ben wondered for a moment if Rey were to write about him what she would say. Their recent conversation in the parking lot behind the school had given him a feeling he hadn’t felt a long time. Hope. Maybe he hadn’t completely lost her after all. Maybe he could fix what he had messed up or maybe they could even start over. And as he slipped into sleep with Rey’s picture still lighting up his phone screen, he dreamed that she was KRJ. 


	4. You never did notice, but you still hide away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOW. Sorry guys...I really meant to get this chapter posted over a month ago but here we are *Facepalm* Thanks for being patient! <3 Lots of summarizing in this chapter leading up to Reylo fluff and hella angst because sometimes I get carried away.

_"You're waiting for someone to put you together_   
_You’re waiting for someone to push you away_   
_There’s always another wound to discover_   
_There’s always something more you wish he’d say…”  
  
Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon_

* * *

By the time Monday rolled around, Rey still hadn’t found her diary or the love letter. She and Rose spent a better portion of the weekend searching as they cleaned her disaster of a room. They did manage to fill six large boxes with things to donate and threw away two full thirty gallon trash bags.  
  
 _"How the hell do you accumulate so much trash without realizing it?" Rose had commented. "You're living like an out of control bachelor!"_  
  
Despite finally having an organized bedroom and closet, Rey was distraught. The temptation to skip school until she found that blasted diary and love letter was strong. But she prided herself on the perfect attendance record she somehow maintained ever since the first grade. So she begrudgingly forced herself out of bed after hitting the snooze button five times.   
  
When Rey got to school, a dark cloud of paranoia settled over her. She walked stiffly to her locker hyper aware of her surroundings. She was waiting. Waiting for the laughter and the teasing. The malicious looks on faces knowing all her deepest darkest secrets. But the day went by as it normally did. Long, boring lectures. Hand cramps from all the notes she took. And the pile of homework assignments that grew with each class she went to.  
  
It was lunch when Rey finally allowed herself to relax. Even if someone had read her diary, they may not be able to figure out who wrote it. She had been careful to sign every entry with _KRJ_ which stood for _Kira Rey Johnson_. (Kira was just a random name she liked) She also wrote about classmates from different social circles and teachers who's classes she didn't take so nothing could be traced back to her. But her love letter to Ben...that was much more personal and obviously written by her.  
  
She tried not to dwell on that too much and instead attempted to focus on why Rose could be right. Maybe nobody in school had seen either the diary or the love letter. Maybe they were both someplace she hadn't thought to look yet. But what Rey kept circling back to was where that place might be. After school, she began searching the basement that basically doubled as a storage unit. It was piled high with boxes and mismatched furniture. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday went by slow and uneventful. Rey kept busy with homework and searched the basement everyday after school but with no results. Friday was when the tide started to turn. Rose was waiting by Rey’s car after school with a big smile on her face.  
  
“Hey Rose, how was –“  
  
Rey stopped talking when Rose pulled a familiar pink fuzzy diary out of her backpack and handed it over.  
  
“Oh my god! Where did you find it?” Rey hugged the pink monstrosity close to her chest.  
  
“The school lost and found.”  
  
“Was the letter with it?”  
  
Rose’s smile fell and she shook her head. “No, but at least we have your diary back!”  
  
“True. But I just… wait how did you know it would be in the school lost and found?”  
  
“Just a hunch,” Rose shrugged, not quite meeting her eyes. “I was trying to cover all the bases.”  
  
“I don’t remember ever bringing it to school though," Rey frowned.  
  
“Well…maybe it fell into your backpack at your house then fell out during class?”  
  
Rey wasn’t convinced this was at all what had happened but nodded anyway.   
  
“So are you going to the game tonight?” Rose asked even though she already knew the answer.  
  
“I’ve got a lot of homework.”  
  
“But –“  
  
“I’ll still go to Hux’s party after the game if you insist,” Rey sighed. But she really, _really_ didn’t want to go.  
  
“Oh I absolutely insist,” said Rose. “Remember? It's all part of Paige's initiative to get you more socialized.”  
  
Rey rolled her eyes but smiled, as she got into her car. “Right well just text me later and have fun at the game.”  
  
Rose waved as she walked off. For a moment, Rey didn’t make any moves to drive home as she was overwhelmed with relief at having her diary back. While the missing love letter was still cause for concern, Rey was feeling more positive about finding it than she ever was before. 

* * *

Rey’s excitement of having her diary back was dimmed by the fact she had finished searching the basement for the letter with zero luck. She took a shower in preparation for the party later that night and emerged to find a text from her father saying he was going out with friends. Rey texted back to let him know she was staying the night with Rose. Then she went back to searching for the letter. Before she knew it, Rose was at the door armed with everything they needed to get ready for the party.   
  
It was almost ten thirty when they finally arrived at Hux’s house. Rey tugged at the hem of the dress Rose convinced her to wear. It was a short black babydoll dress that hit mid thigh and flounced with every step she took. Rose tried to get her to wear some uncomfortable looking Louboutins Paige left behind, but she ended up wearing white Doc Martens with black knee socks instead.  
  
The music was so loud, Rey could hardly hear herself think. The bass was shaking the pictures and paintings on the walls. There was an overwhelming amount of people in attendance and Rey wondered how Hux planned to get the house back in order before his parents came home. Rose pushed through the crowds of people in search of the redhead while Rey followed along behind her.  
  
Finn and Poe had long since been there and were already half drunk and engaged in a game of beer pong. Rey recognized one of the guys playing with them as David Futrell – a football player in her Chemistry class who would not leave her alone. He made it known at the beginning of the semester that he wanted to date her, but she was in no way interested and hoped to avoid him all night. She pushed Rose into the kitchen before David spotted her and that's where they found Hux. He was trapped in the corner by an unfamiliar drunk girl who’s hands were all over him.   
  
“Oh bitch I don’t think so,” Rose said as she made her way over.  
  
Rey watched in amusement as Rose grabbed the girl by the hair and yanked her away from Hux. Then she started yelling which made the girl shrink back. Everyone around them was gawking while Hux watched Rose in what can only be described as drunken adoration. Rose was the shortest student in their grade, possibly even the entire high school. But she had fire and wasn’t afraid to channel it. Eventually, the girl skulked away and Rose pulled Hux into a passionate kiss while the small crowd that had gathered were cheering and clapping.  
  
On the large kitchen island were several bowls of pink punch with orange slices floating in them. Trash Can Punch. Rey deduced from the many empty bottles of Vodka, Tequila, Everclear and Whiskey that the alcohol content was high. But if she were going to endure a high school party she didn’t even want to be at in the first place, she’d need some alcohol in her system. So she filled a red cup to the brim and drank. It was so sweet she could hardly taste the alcohol which she knew made it more dangerous. But she couldn't really find it in herself to care.   
  
She was not a seasoned drinker, so was already feeling buzzed by the time she got her fourth refill. That’s when she decided to cut herself off and left the kitchen. Rose and Hux had moved to the living room and were sharing an armchair watching several drunk people playing Mario Kart. Poe was having a heated discussion with some people from the student council committee probably about the upcoming Fall Festival and Finn was still playing beer pong with David.   
  
Rey wandered upstairs where she knew there wouldn’t be a lot of people. She only had to climb over two couples making out before she made it to the hallway at the top. The doors to every room except the bathroom were closed. And while Rey hadn’t been to many parties, she knew not to open a door without knocking first. She only made that mistake two times before learning her lesson.   
  
After a quick detour to the bathroom, she wandered down to the very end of the hallway where there were two french doors that led out to a balcony overlooking the countryside. In the distance she could see the bright lights of downtown Canto Bight. And just above that was the dark expanse of night sky covered in millions of twinkling stars. Rey smiled as she leaned forward against the railing to take it all in.  
  
“You don’t strike me as a party girl.”  
  
Rey didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. There was no mistaking that voice.   
  
“I’m not,” she said, as Ben walked over and stood right beside her. “But Rose wouldn’t take no for an answer.”  
  
“Did you go with her to the game earlier?”  
  
“I wouldn’t go to a football game even under threat of death.”  
  
“I didn’t realize you hated football so much.”  
  
“It’s sports in general,” Rey shrugged. “I only go to basketball games to support Finn. But I don’t get how people find that kind of mindless crap entertaining.”  
  
Ben raised an eyebrow. “Wow. Mindless crap. Ouch.”  
  
Rey rolled her eyes. “Oh don’t tell me your ego is deflated just because I don’t like sports. I thought all you jocks had egos of steel.”  
  
She looked over at him and immediately wished she hadn’t. His dark hair was a tousled mess falling around his irritatingly imperfectly perfect face. The plain black shirt and jeans he had on accentuated the fact he was no longer the gangly awkward kid Rey knew growing up. The version of Ben she fell for… She quickly looked away and cleared her throat.  
  
“So tell me…" she said looking down at the ground below. "Did Takodana Prep take the win tonight?”  
  
“I thought you didn’t care about sports.”  
  
Rey shrugged and finished off her drink. “Just trying to make conversation.”  
  
“We were tied until the very end. Guess who scored the winning touchdown?” She could hear the proud smile in his voice.  
  
“Hux?” Rey looked over to see his smile fall and couldn’t help but laugh. “I suppose congrats are in order then.”  
  
"Yeah David wasn't too happy," said Ben, running a hand through his hair. "But I was just caught up in the moment."  
  
Rey rolled her eyes. "David will be fine."  
  
"So...you two know each other?" Ben turned so that he was facing her, leaning his side up against the railing with his arms crossed.   
  
_Don't look at him, don't look at him, don't_ \- “Yeah. We have Chemistry together. Why?” She didn't look at him.   
  
“He talks about you in the locker room sometimes.”  
  
At that, Rey frowned and looked over at him. “Really? What does he say?”  
  
“That he asked you out and you said no.”  
  
Rey sighed. “Is that the reason you’re out here?”   
  
Ben looked a little confused. “What?”  
  
“Did David send you out here to talk to me? To try and convince me to give him a chance? Because if he did, then I'm going to save you some time and tell you to tell him that I'm seriously without a doubt _not_ interested. And if he doesn't get that, he can -"  
  
“David didn’t send me out here," Ben shook his head. "And I definitely don't follow his orders so even if he had told me to come talk to you, I wouldn't have."   
  
“Then…why are you out here?”  
  
Ben thought for a moment and turned to lean his forearms against the railing while he stared up at the sky. “Because I needed some fresh air.”  
  
Rey studied his profile curiously for a moment before nodding. “David’s not my type anyway. And he’s a little pushy.”  
  
“How so?”  
  
“He’s asked me out like four times this semester and I’ve told him no every single time. He just doesn’t seem to get it.”  
  
“He’s not used to being told no,” Ben muttered.  
  
“Then he’s going to have to get used to disappointment.”  
  
Hearing David talking about the things he would do to Rey if she ever agreed to date him had Ben wanting to use him as a punching bag. David prided himself on how many girls he could get. And no way in hell was Ben going to stand by and watch Rey become just another conquest. He was relieved that she appeared to have zero interest in David so he smiled a little to himself before changing the subject.  
  
“You got roped into doing the Kissing Booth, too,” he said. Rey looked over at him curiously. “We’re doing a shift together. It was all that was left to sign up for.”  
  
That was a lie but she didn’t need to know that.  
  
Rey rolled her eyes. “I was volun _told_ that’s what I’d be doing. As one of Poe's 'closest and dearest friends' me, Finn and Rose have always helped out with the Fall Festival.”  
  
“Well I hope everyone knows what they’re paying for.”  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rey frowned.  
  
“You’re an aggressive kisser,” Ben said nonchalantly.  
  
“Excuse me?” Rey narrowed her eyes at him.  
  
Ben turned to face her again. “Remember Todd’s party back when you were going into the sixth grade?” Rey groaned as she relived the embarrassment of that night and Ben smiled in amusement. “One second you’re acting like I’m diseased then suddenly you’re on top of me.”  
  
“Okay for the record,” Rey poked him in the chest and looked him straight in the eyes. “Rose pushed me. Gravity did the rest. And besides, I do not plan to kiss anyone at the fall festival on the lips. I mean…what if they didn’t brush their teeth or they ate onions? That’s just…gross.”  
  
“True,” Ben laughed.  
  
“And I’m not looking to become some kind of make out slut.”  
  
“Make out slut? Is that a thing?”  
  
“It is now,” Rey muttered. "Sorry about the knee to the groin thing... I hope you weren't in too much pain for too long."  
  
Ben stared at her for a moment before he realized what she was talking about. "Oh yeah that. I mean...I don't blame you. It was really awkward."  
  
"Yeah. Very. I don't know why I let them talk me into playing. I should've just...left or refused to play in the first place."  
  
An awkward silence fell over them. All they could hear was the music downstairs and people laughing and talking in the distance. There was also the faint sound of crickets. Rey started thinking about the love letter again and started to feel nauseas when she realized she was standing alone on a balcony with the very person that letter was written for. But before she could panic and make a fool of herself, Ben spoke.  
  
“I’m sorry."  
  
He said it so quietly that Rey almost missed it. And he was looking right at her with the same look he had the first time they kissed. Unreadable. Vulnerable...  
  
“What uhm...what are you sorry for?"   
  
Rey looked away from him. She _had_ to. But she noticed he didn't look away from her. In fact, he seemed to be moving closer.  
  
“I'm sorry for everything I did that made us not be friends anymore.”  
  
Rey shrugged, still refusing to look at him. “Things change and people grow apart.”  
  
“I wish we hadn’t.”  
  
She could no longer _not_ look at him and turned so that she was facing him. There was something more than just vulnerability in the way he looked at her. No one had ever looked at her like that. No one had ever made her feel the way he did in that one moment with just _that_ look. She couldn't describe exactly what it was other than she suddenly felt rooted to the spot. Her eyes were locked on his as her heart began to race and butterflies danced around in her stomach. Ben reached out with one hand to tuck some hair behind her ear.  
  
“That tickles,” Rey giggled. Ben moved until there was barely an inch between them. Then he leaned down and... “Ben, what are you doing?”  
  
His lips brushed against hers lightly. “Kissing you. What’s it look like?”  
  
Rey pushed him back. “I know that but…why?”  
  
“Because I want to.”  
  
“Are you drunk? High?” Rey asked, sniffing the air around him for any traces of alcohol or weed.  
  
“I’ve only been drinking cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper and I don’t do drugs. But if you really don’t want me to kiss you, then I won’t. Just tell me.”  
  
"Its uhm it's not that...I mean...we just...I..."  
  
Rey was finding it more difficult by the second to think clearly let alone compose a complete sentence. His hands were still where they were when he tried to kiss her seconds ago. One hand lightly gripping her hip and the other holding the side of her face gently as he studied her. She knew she needed to walk past him. She knew she should tell him not to kiss her. She _knew_ that. But she didn't _want_ to. Ben took her silence as permission and leaned in again, only for Rey to push him back harder than the first time.  
  
"What about Zorii?" she said.  
  
Ben frowned as she stepped away from him. "Zorii?"  
  
"You guys _just_ broke up. Is...is this a rebound thing?"  
  
"No," Ben shook his head. "This is definitely not a rebound thing."  
  
"But I just don't understand. It's been years since we've had a decent conversation and suddenly you want to kiss me?"  
  
"Rey -"  
  
"It just doesn't make any sense. Your timing really sucks."  
  
Rey looked at the French doors that would lead her back into the house and away from Ben. But she'd have to walk past him to get there and she had a feeling that right now he may not let her by. She tilted her head up and crossed her arms, feigning courage. But in reality, she was shaking on the inside. Her heart was aching and there was this undeniable feeling of longing.   
  
"Is there someone else?" Ben asked. Rey looked at him for a moment before she started laughing much to Ben's confusion. "What's so funny?"   
  
"It's just...you think there's someone else just because I stopped you from kissing me. Maybe I'm just not comfortable kissing someone who's wanted nothing to do with me for the past four or five years."  
  
Ben blinked a few times and stepped back with a frown settling on his face. "You're right. I'm sorry I tried to take advantage of the situation."  
  
Rey couldn't find it in herself to stop laughing. Not only because of Ben's assumptions that she had someone else waiting in the wings. But also at this situation entirely. Never in her years since they stopped talking had she imagined this is where they'd eventually end up. On a balcony at a high school party with Ben of all people feeling the sting of rejection. It was absurd really. Ben had gone slightly red in the face from embarrassment. And if it wasn't for his long, shaggy hair Rey knew she'd see the tips of his ears red as well. Which made her laugh even more remembering the first day they met when she called him Dumbo. She knew she needed to stop laughing, because it was having a negative affect on Ben.   
  
"I'll just leave you alone," Ben said as he turned to leave. "Sorry I bothered you."  
  
Realizing he was actually, truly leaving finally calmed Rey down enough to stop laughing. She went after him and grabbed his hand. "No Ben wait. I'm sorry. I'm just...this entire situation is... Well I mean it's a little funny isn't it?"  
  
Ben said nothing and refused to look back at her. Rey tugged on his hand a little and he finally turned around to face her, pulling his hand away from hers. "Why did you come out here really? I mean...your best friend is hosting the party. All your friends are downstairs including girls who would probably be more than happy to hook up with you. So what are you doing out here? With me?"  
  
He worked his jaw like he normally did when he was deep in thought. He knew what he _should_ say, but couldn't bring himself to say it. His thoughts drifted back to earlier in the day when he'd seen Rose carrying that fuzzy pink diary from the school lost and found where he finally decided to leave it. His first assumption was that Rose was the author. As sweet and nice and attractive as she was, she'd never once shown even a tiny bit of interest in him. Especially not after he'd introduced her to Armitage Hux. But then...Rose had given the diary to Rey who seemed elated and relieved to have it.   
  
Sure, he'd spent the last week or so since the diary came into his possession imagining that it was Rey who had written all those nice things about him. But now that he had that confirmed, he wasn't sure how to really feel. It was Rey who seemed to despise yet admire him. It was Rey who had written such beautiful things about him. Things he would never in his life ever believe. It was Rey who understood his art and appreciated it. And yet it was Rey who was laughing at him and rejecting him as though what she had written in that diary truly meant nothing. And that made him angry.   
  
"Just forget it," he said as he stormed off.  
  
If she called after him he either ignored her or she said it too quietly for him to hear over the noise of the music blaring downstairs. So he lumbered down the hall trying to avoid a vaguely familiar face that smiled at him in the darkness. He couldn't remember her name, but remembered her from a party his freshman year. She went to Canto Bight High and was everything Ben should've wanted. She was his usual type. The "Zorii" type. Perfectly wavy dark blonde hair, bright blue eyes, flawless skin and a body built like a teenage boy's fantasy. And if the stories he heard about her were true, she could make every teenage boy's fantasy come true.   
  
"Ben Solo," she purred, running her hands up his chest and placing them on his shoulders. "I haven't seen you in a while."  
  
"Uh yeah...hey..." Ben said running a hand nervously through his hair.  
  
"You are so hot."  
  
"What?"  
  
She didn't waste any more time and pulled him into an empty bedroom, not even bothering to shut the door. She took her shirt off then walked over and pulled him into a rough kiss. He didn't know what to do at first so just stood there hunched over a little, her hands gripping his face tightly. She somehow managed to push him back on the bed then climbed on top of him to resume the kiss. His eyes were wide open and his hands were laying uselessly at his sides.  
  
He felt numb and was confused by what happened on the balcony with Rey. Why was Rey rejecting him? Should he have mentioned he knew about the diary? No. She would've denied it was hers or slapped him for invasion of privacy. The girl who's name he still couldn't remember began grinding against him causing them both to moan. She smirked at him before attacking his mouth once again. He knew he should stop this before it progressed further but didn't. Instead, he closed his eyes and imagined she was someone else entirely.   
  
In his mind he saw big hazel eyes sparkling in the moonlight and lightly tanned skin with freckles like constellations across her nose. He saw brunette hair falling into soft curls around her shoulders. Then he remembered their first kiss. Sure they were young and it wasn't a mind blowing make out session. But it was his first kiss. At that point in time, he'd only ever wanted to kiss Rey. He was planning to ask her out but then she kneed him in the groin and made him think she truly hated him. And right now he hated himself for the situation he found himself in with a girl who's name he still couldn't remember.   
  
Disgusted, he shoved her off ignoring her protests as he stood to right all his clothing. That's when he looked towards the open door and saw her. Rey's hazel eyes were wide with horror and tears were falling down her cheeks. Ben opened his mouth to speak, but Rey ran down the hall towards the stairs. Her heart sank lower than she thought it could ever go. She wanted to claw her eyes out from what she had just seen. Ben on the bed with a girl Rey didn't recognize looking like they were about to... No. Rey bounded down the stairs two at a time. Ben was kissing that girl so desperately. Is that how he would've kissed Rey if she hadn't stopped him? Would it have been them on that bed?   
  
Tears blurred her vision and she ignored her friends yelling after her. She had to get the hell away from here. Once she was outside, she opened up the Uber app then threw up on the front lawn. Some of it splattered on her boots but she was too upset to care. Luckily, there was an Uber close by who picked her up almost immediately. She sent a text to Rose saying that the sleepover was off then ignored the calls and texts from her friends and an unknown number.   
  
Curling into herself in the backseat, Rey started crying. She was hurt, confused, buzzed, felt like throwing up _again_ and also wanted to yell at Ben. She should've marched into that room and given him a piece of her mind. She should've slapped him and told him to stop being so damn reckless. He was exactly who she thought he was and it broke her heart even more to have seen it for herself. He truly was no longer the sweet innocent caring friend she had growing up. He was a teenage boy with wants and needs that someone like him could have fulfilled at the drop of a hat.   
  
Rey's fists were clenched so tightly her nails cut into the skin of her palms as the mystery of her missing love letter caused Rey to further spiral into despair. She needed to find that letter now more than ever and burn it so that it never saw the light of day again. In that moment, she hated Ben Solo. _Hated_ him. When the Uber finally pulled up in front of her house, she opened the door just in time to throw up on the sidewalk. The concerned Uber driver asked if she needed help but she waved him off. As she stumbled into the dark house and up the stairs to her bathroom, she knew what she had to do come Tuesday and every day and week and month after that until he graduated and left for college.   
  
She had to avoid Ben Solo at all costs. 

* * *

_“I am everything you want_  
 _I am everything you need_  
 _I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be_  
 _I say all the right things at exactly the right time_  
 _But I mean nothing to you and I don’t know why.”_  
  
Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know... Ben's a moron and Rey's a hot mess. But these two crazy kids will sort it all out. Next chapter, we will be in "OMG Ben somehow has the love letter" territory :D
> 
> Hit me up on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/XOXOLiBar)


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